Blog of Billy

I really do love her. I'm really in love with her. All I want to do is hold her in my arms and sleep. I really think she loves me. I really think she's in love with me. I've never felt her so emotionally distant. It's why I think this is a sudden occurance, and less the same thing that's been bugging her for months. She swears it is. I want to belive her, but everything feels so different now. I spend most of the day on the verge of tears. She says that she has been hiding her feelings, but that's never been her strong suit.

We need to get a bigger bed. We're back to sleeping next to one another, but she complains about the heat I produce. She complains a lot. I can understand this one. She sleeps better when she's cold, and I sleep better when I'm warm. We need a bed that allows for both. The current situation is only kind of working.

I really don't like that she doesn't try to make me feel better. She says she wants to be my friend, but even friends look out for one another like that.

I really really like open-source. It lets me make changes to this blogging software that will allow me to control spacing a bit better. It lets me change my accounting software so that it can work with the files my bank gives me. It lets me see how a browser works, and lets me learn. It's good.

The following is venting:

I hate my hair short. Rosie likes it short, but I think my head is lumpy. I've never used conditioner before; it has made my hair soft. I don't know that I like it. She hates my hair. She hates that I won't waste time making it look a certain way. I don't like the messed-up-but-painstakingly-constructed look. It's pretentious. She does. She doesn't understand why I don't want to look that way. She never will. She doesn't understand lots of things. Like why it is that I hold her to a really high standard. I have 3 standards.

The top one is for me. I must always do the right thing, like skipping Austin so that I can spend time with my family on my sister's birthday. Like bringing in Betty's shoes from outside. I won't hurt people if I can avoid it. Even if it could help me. It something that she does that I really don't like.

The second is for her. I love her. She is a good person. I want her to act like it. I won't let her be a child. I won't let her get away with things that I let our friends get away with. I don't care if Lizzie smokes, but I do if Rosie does. She's yelled at me for this before. On Monday she yelled at me for never challenging her, always letting her get away with things. Insane. I'm running in circles and I'm almost out of energy. So now I'm going to lay down. There is a blue bowl on the table with the remnants of mashed potatoes in it. I'm going to see how long that the cleaning kick that started 2 days ago will last. My bet is that the bowl will sit for 3 days. The last time I did this little experiment, macaronie and cheese became metamorphic rock after 5 days.

The third one is for everyone else. They can do whatever they want. It's why I'm a liberal.

I don't really hate much of anything. Rosie's smoking, her contempt for my family, and (not her) Stephanie Craig-like arrogance. That's about all.

I did something tonight that I swore I would never do again. I cried in the shower. Sung-In would be proud.

When Rosie and I were first getting together, she said that one of the things she hated about Tony was that he would never go after her when she walked out angry. I know how that feels. I look back and try to figure out what she has done to try and make our relationship work. I can't think of much. She's never organized a date, surprised me with flowers, given me a backrub, found a surprise gift that I hadn't pounded into her head that I wanted. She said herself that a lot of the problems she's having right now are based on feelings that she has let fester for over a year. It's not just that she's not working for the relationship, she is actively trying to sabotage it.

She hasn't done a thing to try to quit smoking since she switched to Ultra-Lights. She says that it's an adult decision that she made and that I should respect it. Bullshit. Adult decisions are ones that increase responsibility, not give into destructive addiction. She says that the addiction is too strong. Bullshit. She wants to be strong, independent, not tied to anything, but she never will so long as she's tied to those. She's a more willful person than that. She's never really tried. I know she loves them more than she loves me. She tells me all the time. It's going to kill her, physically and emotionally. And what's more, it's going to kill me. And what's more, that's what she wants. It's her adult decision. Child.

I'm sure she's reading this and is mad because I want her to quit. It's not just me. It's also Nathan, Lizzie, her parents, Seamus, Julie, Jon and Jen, Cassie, etc. There is no-one in the entire world who both loves her and wants her to keep smoking. But I'm the only one that will ever catch flak for it. So much for the right thing....

I'm sure she's still mad. She can get over it. Or better yet, get over the cigarettes.

It's 3 a.m., and I just left the house in a fit of pity. She won't try to find me. If she calls it will be a miracle.

She thinks I have no drive, that I'm going to stay with the Worx forever. Right now, in college, I'm making more money than my mom. This job will last me until graduation. I tell her that there are several places I could go to work, but it's hubris. The job market is crap. I'm making plenty of money here, have full health insurance, they're really lenient on when I work, I have access to good technology, I'm learning a lot every day, they let me do new, experimental stuff, and everyone I work with is great. I know that she understands this. She says that she would go back to David's Bridal if she could, if they paid her well enough. It was fun and she liked the people there. It doesn't mean that she has no drive.

No call yet.

The first meeting between my mom and Rosie was a dinner that my mom made for her. Pork chops. Rosie died her bangs pink the day before just to screw with her. We couldn't stay through the whole dinner. Rosie burst out laughing immediately after we left the house. The next time they talked, Rosie said that she was a horrible mother. Rosie still defends the call, but doesn't understand where the friction comes from. It's all my mom's fault in her mind. My mom has tried to make amends. She gave us a basket of hillshire farms stuff. I enjoyed some sausage. Rosie enjoyed the candy. Not enough. Rosie still hates her. She hates all of my family. Dad's side too. She hates Vickie. It's always their fault, never something in her that is wrong. Amazing how so many people are out to get her.

I actually like Rosie's family. Her immediate family are nice, her more distant relations are loopy, but OK. I've done my absolute best to make sure that we are all on good terms. The only possible exception was Wally. I took too long with his computer. It works now though, and I gave it back to him, just late. He's really nice though. I also apologized profusely for that. I also didn't complain at him for having a disgusting home, and wife, and dog, and computer. I worked at it. An adult decision.

Stepanie Craig is not nearly so smart as she thinks that she is. It's really upsetting to hear her conduct herself like Sean O'Neill without anything to back it up. That's something I really don't like. There was this old guy at Denny's one day who suggested that if we had any problems with the crossword to ask him. He got barely half what I did before I had to leave. Most of his answers weren't even close to right. Arrogance is reserved for those who can back it up. Then it is admirable. Otherwise it is contemptible.

It's now 4. No call.

This is to be a journal of everything that I am thinking, feeling, etc. I will begin tomorrow after work with my thought on my wife's recent decisions about our marriage.